Struggling, again

I seem to have "issues" when I have unresolved issues on my mind...

I'm waiting for the electrician/builders to return in Maidstone, and the plumber in France to finally respond to repeated [but very polite] emails trying to ascertain whether our heating is safe to turn on and leave on in our absence.  With falling temperatures, and worried in case we have a repeat of last winter's early onset [snow in the Alps already, so that's not such a weird idea], we are really keen to have that question answered, but don't want to risk offending M. Torelli and have him not come back and finish the rest of the work if we ask Schwartz to come and check out his work...

[This is France we're talking about, people; that's not an unrealistic concern!]

Apparently, having outstanding "stuff" going on [or more accurately, not going on], in my life has a paralysing effect on me.

I have whole lists of pleasurable things I could be doing, but it's as though I'm a bad mime and contained in an invisible box I can't escape.

I could be updating Flickr, posting pictures of how lovely the bedroom now looks [and that is top of my list of things that I'm not currently achieving], or even doing a meditation/going for a walk/joining a gym.  It's not happening, and that makes me more anxious.  I know it's a 'self-imposed' thing, but I don't know what the 'thing' is, or how to defeat it.  I'm working really hard to just give myself permission to do things I enjoy...

Onset of ever-darkening nights and days-free-from-sun play a huge part, I suspect, but that doesn't ease the feelings of failing-because-I'm-not-trying-hard-enough.

That's the whole point: having some time off should involve doing nothing, or fun stuff; it shouldn't be this hard.

I don't know what the point of this post was other that to try and "break" the deadlock, but I find having posted something [however rubbish that offering] does somehow free me up to post something else [and hopefully something better], so I'm keeping my fingers crossed that that's the case here.

And that I haven't alienated anyone with what is not intended to sound self-pitying [I don't feel at all sorry for myself], but I suspect does just that!

Oh well, I most enjoy the honest blogs/bloggers, so feel obliged to be honest myself, and that's probably not a bad thing.